Depression

  Hey everyone.

  I've got to level with you.  I didn't just come back to blogging because I wanted to write again.  I mean, that's certainly part of it.  I've always loved writing, and I really have enjoyed coming back to it.  But that wasn't the trigger, so to speak.

  Truth is, I'm in a incredibly deep depression.  And writing helps me to forget that fact.

  Now, let me clarify one important detail.  Depression does not mean sad.  I'm not sad.  I'm not happy either, though.  When I say I am depressed, what I'm saying is that I don't feel emotions.

  I can still feel something, though.  I can feel things in the moment.  I can laugh, and have a good time.  I can get angry.  I can feel things in the moment.  But they are fleeting, as soon as that moment has passed, I go back to feeling flat.  Nothing lingers.  If anything, that fact makes the depression even harder to deal with.  I get to have moments of feeling normal, and then it's gone.  It's like a long time friend came to visit, hung around just long enough to make me remember why we were friends, and then left before we could catch up at all.

  "Oh, hey, I actually feel pretty good!  That's funny!  I'm laughing!"

  10 minutes later...

  "Wait, where are you going emotions?  Come back.  I miss you..."

  "Hello?  Emotions?  Are you still there?"

  It's suffocating.

  Another thing that doesn't help is that I know exactly why I'm in this depression.  I know exactly when it started.  Now, I've always been a logical man.  I am a problem solver.  The vast majority of the time, if I know the root of a problem, solving it is incredibly easy.  It's very frustrating to know the root, and still have no real solution.  That being said, here's the root.  Or roots, as it may be.

  I feel incredibly unfulfilled and stressed.  I know what I'm capable of.  I know what my strengths are.  And, just as importantly, what my faults are.  I know how much I'm capable of accomplishing.  But, my current circumstances are keeping me locked in place, unable to move forward.  Unable to accomplish the things I want.

"Ready.  Steady.  GO!"

"It's not going!"

"Are you pushing down the pedal?"

"My foot's next to the transmission!"

"Is the brake on?"

"I forcefully removed it!"

"Is the engine on?"

"...  God dammit..."

  Work is especially difficult.  Don't get me wrong, I love doing what I do.  I've been doing this for years, and I've never really regretted that choice.  But, I've been working between 5 and 6 days a week for the last 5 years, save for major holidays.  And I mean major.  And, it was only a few months back that I managed to get every other Saturday off.  Before that, it had been 6 days a week for a very, very long time.

  Now, you would think, working hours like that, I'd be taking home enough to pay my bills, right?  Not really.  I am not the sole employee of my business, my brother works here as well.  And, truth be told, we just don't do enough business to support two employees.

  Added to that is the fact that, once my brother joined the company, I opted to take a pay-cut that amounted to $5,200 annually to make our pay equal.  But, there's not really a solution for that.  He's not in a position to find work elsewhere, and I'd really rather not leave the business that I've poured the last 5 years of my life into.

  It's like digging a hole, only the dirt that I shovel out just keeps falling back into the hole.  I strive as hard as I can, and it feels like nothing ever really changes.  And it's frustrating.  Sticking to the metaphor, I know that I can dig like a master. I know that I am one of the best diggers out there.  I just can't seem to make any progress, regardless of that.

"One-thousand two-hundred and twenty shovels of dirt in the ground."

"One-thousand two-hundred and twenty shovels of dirt"

"Scoop one out, shovel it out."

"It falls back in, One-thousand two-hundred and twenty shovels of dirt in the ground."

"...  I hate this damn song..."

  From week to week, I barely have enough money to go get groceries.  I've been considering picking up my old mountain bike from my Mother's and riding it to work when I can to try and save more money.  Rather than wal-mart or publix, I do 90% of my shopping at Dollar General.

"Thank you for choosing Wal-Mart.  Can I he--"

"Shh shh, no song and dance.  I just need a week's worth of rice-a-roni, and I'll be on my way."

  Adding to all this is the house I live in.  I moved there with my girlfriend at the time, who was working at the local hospital.  Everything was fine and dandy initially.  We were each responsible for half of the bills, and I was able to scrape that together.  Then, the hospital forced her to resign because she was introverted.

  I need to give a bit more detail.  My girlfriend at the time had moved down here from New York.  Now, up north, being introverted isn't really an issue.  People up there don't really care that much if you look them in the eye when you talk to them, or if you keep to yourself mostly.  They care about if you're doing your job.

  But, here in the south, if you don't really speak up, or if you don't look into someone's eye when you talk to them, people take that as disrespect.  They say you aren't a team player, and that you aren't fitting in.  Which is exactly what happened to my girlfriend.

"Hey, you should look people in the eye when you talk to them."

"But I'm introverted.  That makes me uncomfortable."

"But it's disrespectful."

"No, I'm not disrespecting anyone.  I'm just not like that."

"ONE OF US!  ONE OF US!"

  They told her that she could either resign, and contact HR for placement elsewhere in the hospital, or stick around until they fired her, at which point she'd be blacklisted from working for the hospital for 12 months.

  That would have been a big problem.  That hospital runs pretty much every hospital within 100 miles, save for one.  And that one is a private hospital with an incredibly low turn-over rate, so it's very hard to get a job there.  So, they effectively made her resign.  Which meant no unemployment benefits to help her bridge the gap.

"You're not fitting in.  We think you need to resign."

"But I don't want to resign.  I want to work."

"Resign or we'll make sure you can't work for a year."

"...  Who do I hand my resignation in to?"

  End result?  She had to move back to New York and accept a job there.  This left me with a lease on a house that costs much more than I could afford.  Fortunately, I did manage to get a room mate very quickly, an old friend from high school.  But, he couldn't, and still can't afford to pay more than one-third of the total bills.  I don't begrudge him that, I was aware of that when I let him move in.  But it still makes things difficult.

  I don't have extra money.  I don't spend anything extra, and squirrel away every penny I can.  Then the first comes around, and it's gone.  I feel like I'm going through the same cycle every month.  Work, save, work, save, rent, broke.

  I have a similar cycle for my days.  Wake up, feed dogs, go to work, do whatever I can while at work, come home, feed dogs, watch Netflix, eat at some point, go to bed.  It's a terrible rut.

  And, because of the money issues, there's very little that can be done about it.  Can't very well go out when I can barely afford food.  I can't even get my dogs checked for worms so I can get them back on there flea and heart worm preventative.  A fact that does not make me feel better about things, since I already know they've all got fleas.

"Daddy, we're itchy."

"Yes Mouse, I know you are."

"Don't you love us?"

"Yes Mouse, of course I love you."

"Then why don't you make us not itchy?"

"Because daddy is very poor, Mouse."

"But you're not itchy.  We're itchy"

"Yes, and daddy is hungry.  You're not hungry."

"But we're--"

"Go play with Maya, Mouse."

"OK DADDY!"

  I've gotten so low at times that I've had...  Let's say very unhealthy thoughts.  No tendencies, just very unhealthy thoughts.

"That wall on the side of the road looks friendly..."

"Hi random car!  Do you want to be friends!"

"Oh, he wants to be friends!  I could just tu--HOLY FUCK NO!"

"Where are you going car?  I thought we'd be friends?"

"BEGONE FOUL WALL DEMON!"

  However, all that being said, I've not given up hope.  I've always been an incredibly optimist, and I know that eventually, things will improve.  I will find a way out of this rut, and out of this financial hole I've found myself in, and the stress will abate.  I know that if I hold on, I will find what I'm searching for in life.

  I know how smart I am.  How talented I am with my hands.  I may not be all that strong, or all that handsome, but I make up for that with a level of empathy it seems few people have anymore.  I know that, to my very core, I am a good person.  Selfless and caring.

  I know that it gets better.

"Know what?  I'm a damn fine man, just like my Mom raised me to be."

"Yes you are Daddy, we love you"

"I love you too, Mouse, Maya, and George.  Now fetch me a corn dog."