Waking Up

  I do not wake up easily.  Oh, sure, I move.  I do things like walking around to my variety of alarms and hitting snooze, but I am rarely actually awake at that point.

  I've been told about full conversations I've had just after stirring that I've got no recollection of.  And typically, those conversations are just pure ridiculousness.

"Hey, do the dogs need to go out?"

"Hmm?  Oh, no, no, didn't you hear?  Dogs have thumbs now."

"What?"

"There was an infomercial for dog thumbs last night, so I bought all the dog's thumbs.  They can let themselves out now."

"When did this happen?"

"Right after tea with Bob."

"Who's Bob?"

"My carpenter.  He carpents things."

  In order for this to all make sense, I need to put in perspective just how deeply I sleep.  A few years back, when my girlfriend at the time was living with me, I came home from work one night, and she was apologizing profusely, saying that she was so sorry about the previous night.

  I was very confused.  I couldn't think of anything that she'd done that would call for an apology.  So, I asked her what she meant.

  Apparently, she had accidentally punched me square in the face in her sleep, hard enough to wake her up.  And she was a deep sleeper too.  So, she'd apparently really laid into me by accident.

"Oh God Kyle, I'm so sorry!"

"Um, k?  What for, exactly?"

"I punched you in the nose last night!"

"You did?  I don't remember this.  How did you not break your hand when you did it?"

  I just quirked a brow, and told her she must have dreamed it.  But no, she was certain.  So, being punched, in the face, hard, had no effect on my sleep what so ever.  I'd say I sleep like the dead, but if I remember Army of Darkness right, it's a lot easier to wake the dead.

  In the morning, I am like a cornered rabbit, and my alarms are angry, ravenous wolves.

"Zzzz...  Zzzz...  Zzzz..."

"BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ MOTHER FUCKER!"

"OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!"

"RING RING!"

  Now, I actually use three separate alarms to wake me up in the morning, that go off within moments of one another.  The whole idea is to make sure I actually wake up.

  Just the other morning, something interesting happened.  The first alarm went off, and I got up and turned it off.  I quickly flopped back into my bed, facing towards the other alarms, and dozed back off.  apparently, I rolled onto my other side after I dozed off.  A couple minutes later, I second alarm, the loud one, starts going off.  I lifted onto my knees, and went for the dive to turn it off.

  But, I didn't realize I turned around.  At least, not until the wall beside my bed made it's presence very well known.

  I was very awake after that.  The third alarm was not needed that day.